Single in the city:reactions

I'm angry with myself today I reacted to number one he didn't hear my reaction but it was just the fact of the matter that he infuriated me so much that I had a reaction to it. I hate him , I honestly f****** hate him how did I let it get like this? Why does he still have an effect on me? Why Is he still doing this after all these years? Why can't you just be civil? So many questions no answers same s*** and I'm still reacting a vacation would be so nice right now doubt it will happen. Also thinking in my mind that I want to move things very quickly with the bad boy and I'm trying to figure out if it has anything to do with my one year mark coming up and how in the past I've always felt a need to be in some form of relationship I don't want to take a step back from him because I like it and it feels nice and it feels good but I also don't want to push it forward and make the same mistakes that I made in the past that would be unacceptable.